kassidy62 | new SPN story: It All Burns (Wait It Out) - Gen PG-13; spoilerish through 4.4

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spn fanfiction

new SPN story: It All Burns (Wait It Out) - Gen PG-13; spoilerish through 4.4

Warnings, notes, etc:
I labeled it gen, though there's one tiny reference to a het, er, incident.
I had no intention of writing this tonight - I was reading a story online and it said something about how Sam would be the end of Dean, right? And somehow that made me think about how the show is flirting with a less than happy ending for Sam, and also how precarious I think his mental state should be after seeing Dean torn apart in front of him. Which gave me this story idea - to allude to how crazy Sam could be, given how everyone he loves (and/or sleeps with) dies, never mind his other troubles, like, oh, having powers and demonic blood, etc. so on so forth.
I don't claim he's in character here, but I try and utilize what the show's given us to present him in the way that I do.

This is not at ALL a happy story. I have a hard time bringing myself to announce specifics in warnings, so if you're sensitive, assume the worst and please don't read. One specific I can manage: there's some violent, grisly stuff here.
Having said all this, I do hope you enjoy it - it literally came out of the blue, and I don't know for sure if I like the style or not. Not much sure of anything at the moment:)

-----

He was seven when his tonsils were removed. He remembered lying on yet another motel bed after they let him leave the hospital, his old blue blanket tucked around him. It hurt to swallow, felt like sharp knives digging into the raw of his throat. Remembered staring into nothing, face pressed against a soft white T-shirt, breathing in Dean. Dean’s voice, low and sweet. Arms around him. A hand rubbing his back. Dean smelled like guns and chocolate. Breath tickling his ear. Told him it’d feel better soon.

Just gotta wait it out, Sammy.

Sam didn’t want ice cream and he didn’t expect it would stop hurting just because he wanted it to. He knew that much already. He slept when the pain allowed him to, swallowed when he had to, eating little to nothing while he waited.

And Dean was right—it got better.

Sam loved his dad, but Dean raised him. Dean was there to give him the last bowl of cereal when the food ran out. Dean stole presents for him on Christmas when Dad didn’t show. Dean loved him more than anything—more than the damned hunting.

More than his life.

***

Sam stood on the hill, watching the demons swarm down, black-souled soot dressed in people busily swarming, destroying everything. Everyone. And he didn’t know how he got here.

Well, Jess died. Dad died. But Sam had remembered what Dean had taught him. Wait it out. And though he never got over their deaths, he got through them.

But then Dean died. The hellhounds came after him, razor barks slicing the air. Sam couldn’t see them. He only saw the damage, the flesh peeling away in strips off his brother’s body, blood, thick screams muscles laid bare in ropes fountains red blood red glistening guts squelching writhing to the ground muddled crazy eyes terror in his eyes blind thick agony in his eyes. Sam watched from the wall useless fucking insect pinned to the wall ineffectual to the very motherfucking last. Saved no one worth saving. Saved himself.

Dean had said live. Dean had died for him. Sam hadn’t asked for it didn’t want it would have traded in a heartbeat. But Dean oh Dean, thought he couldn’t live without Sam. Sam was supposed to go on after Dean was gone. Dean and his temper and sarcasm, Dean who couldn’t outrun or outfight feeling worthless. Hurting, fearless Dean, green eyes like the finest glass tower of strength—just gone. Sam still remembered what his T-shirt felt like, soft against his face.

Dean taught him he’d never be alone, even when Sam thought that’s exactly what he wanted, before he’d realized what that really meant. Dean knew alone. Dean shielded him from it best he could. Took care of him. Sam repaid him by leaving him. For normality, for college. Jess.

Normality burned same as everything. It all burned.

Dean had said he couldn’t live without him. It made Sam laugh. He laughed and the tears rolled down his face and he hung there goddamned frozen insect on the wall while Dean died and burned and called his name oh yes Sam heard it in his dreams every night, flames and hooks and screams always and forever amen Sam Sam Sammy. The Demon King. Bug on the wall.

Then Ruby came back. They fucked, one as dead as the other and surely there was some humor to be had in that?

Sam started saving people. That’s all it was, trying to do something good, beat back the despair. Leeches suck out the bad blood and Sam sucked the demons right out of people. Spit their black tar souls on the ground and watched them sizzle back into hell.

His head hurt at first. Then it didn’t. Or maybe he couldn’t feel it anymore.

Smile. Getting better. Kill them all.

Then Dean came back.

Sam wanted Dean back more than anything but Dean was back and he still wanted Sam to live. Which meant Sam had to stop the powers from developing further. So he tried. But the powers kept coming. Telekinesis, telepathy (he’s so scared for me—of me—freak).

And then pyrokinesis. Dean said, we’ll figure it out, you just gotta learn to control ‘em, right? He tried to smile but his face was white as bone. Sam knew what it meant: he could burn demons same as demons burned Jess and Mom and so many others.

But he wouldn’t, never would, I swear it Dean. Until one day a demon reached out, one inch too close because one inch less and Sam would have retained his sanity and broke out the Latin instead, but it was too close too fast and Sam heard it again, Dean screaming his name from hell. Sam raised the demon up and burned him and knew he’d lost Dean before he ever turned to look at his brother’s face.

***

Sam and the demons stood on the hill. Dean was at the foot, angels and humans by his side.

“Dean? I’m sorry I left you,” Sam said and pushed with his mind, pressure and heat, molecules dance-jigging and all the demons with their human hosts around him burned and burned, falling, yellow flames hugging them close as they hopped and screamed. The smell of roasting flesh rose on waves of heat.

“I prayed every day that God would bring him back,” Sam said to Castiel. The heat burned up his tears. He sat down, the flames rising around him. He watched Dean’s face through the fire, yellow and flickering.

Dean’s face broke open and he screamed Sam’s name over and over, grief so loud the rest of the world was rendered mute.

Castiel held Dean back from climbing the hill and looked up at Sam with frosted eyes, compassion rising like smoke from their depths. “We know, Sam.”

Sam nodded. He lay down. The fire licked over his arms and legs, caught at his jacket.

Just gotta wait it out, Sammy.

Sam’s eyes closed. His hair burned bright.

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Okay, I completely love this. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That.

I love how you tied it back to Sam having his tonsils out. And the ending is pure gorgeousness. Love Castiel's understanding and how in the end, he's the one who saves Dean. And such a beautiful economy of words and powerful images. Thank you so much -- you made my night.

There were things in the story that I wondered about - the punctuation for one thing - had to resist the urge to put some of it in certain places because I wanted it to read as distressed or "off," trying to rush the words or be off balance. I kept just about everything I wanted for once without wondering if it was exactly correct, so I'm really happy to hear it works for you. So you made my night, too.

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killabeez.livejournal.com - 2008-10-22 14:27 (UTC) - Expand

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kassidy62.livejournal.com - 2008-10-22 20:46 (UTC) - Expand

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killabeez.livejournal.com - 2008-10-23 02:01 (UTC) - Expand

I stumbled over the first rush of unpunctuated words, then paused and started over. This time reading it specifically that way, embracing the muddle and the haste and the confusion. And that worked, it worked.

Normally I don't like throwing a reader out of the story that way, but I look at this piece differently so long as it worked for you in the end. Thanks for telling me.

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kassidy62.livejournal.com - 2008-10-22 20:48 (UTC) - Expand

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kassidy62.livejournal.com - 2008-10-23 12:04 (UTC) - Expand

damn.. wah.. *speechless*

thanks for commenting on the story!

Oh, the boys are so broken. *hugs them* This was lovely and sad.

Oh, the boys are so broken. *hugs them* This was lovely and sad.

They are SO broken. Thanks:)

Heartbreaking, stylish read. I love this, and it makes me cry.

Heartbreaking, stylish read. I love this, and it makes me cry.

Thank you. I didn't really mean to make anyone cry, but I'm happy it got such a strong reaction. I've been thinking about how Sam's getting so tight and repressed ever since Dean's deal, and how much that's costing him and how he's changed.

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Love. This really was dark, but it's always one possibility. I liked the way you did it.

Thanks!

*wants*

but ...

*DOES NOT WANT*

Ugh. I'm so conflicted, lol. Awesome job, totally crying over here. ;-)

*wants*

but ...

*DOES NOT WANT*

I was commenting to some other readers, and I'm with you. It'd be so dark and painful and fabulous and UNBEARABLE and hellish and and and! If one of them actually died.

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This was brilliantly written, but I WANT BOTH WINCHESTER BROTHERS TO SURVIVE! Love, Robin

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<This was brilliantly written, but I WANT BOTH WINCHESTER BROTHERS TO SURVIVE! Love, Robin>

Thank you, and I totally understand that. I can write things like this, but it's much harder for me to be on the receiving end as a reader or a viewer. I'd be heartbroken if it happened this way, though yeah, it does appeal to me in a crying my eyes out heartbroken kill Kripke kind of way:)

Good story!

thanks:)

Nicely, painfully done. Sam sacrificing himself in the end hurts, but I can see Sam doing something like this.

This line, I think, hurt the most:

Saved no one worth saving. Saved himself.

Oh, Sam.

Sam sacrificing himself in the end hurts, but I can see Sam doing something like this.

considering how much Sam seems to hold back this season, and the guilt he shows, I think he really could reach a point of no return where no one would be consulted - he'd just make up his mind and DO IT.

I loved this even though it breaks my heart. I used to want to see the show end like this or in a similiar way but not anymore. I'm pretty sure I want a happy ending for the boys. Seeing what you wrote happening on the show would pretty much kill me. :D

The ending of the show would be pretty rough if they did it like I wrote this story, yep. Part of me would like to see it, but then I'd CRY AND CRY.

I think the ending I could most live with would be of the boys riding off together in the Impala. I think.

nice. I'm finally glad to see that sam was strong enough to resist evil in the end. most of the stories I've read have dean killing sam or vice versa. but never sam ending the demons and himself to save the world. Even though it was sad, that still stood out most for me.

thank you so much for commenting! I'm glad the ending stood out for you - it just seems to me that Sam's got a lot of high expectations of himself, and then for him to sink so far in despair and not be able to put the brakes on and then see Dean turn away from him... in this scenario, maybe he'd think the best thing he could do is end it.

He took a lot of meat suits with him. I saw it as a measure of how ruined he is.

I think I've been looking for this story since this season started, and didn't even realize it. This is so perfect and scary and sad, and while I don't want it to end this way, part of what makes it so damn scary is that I think it could. Because here's Sam, burning down the world, and he's still Sam, he's still Dean's little brother, he's not just some mindless evil thing, because this story is just about that slippery slope, and Sam's slow descent, and it's so plausible that it hurts.

I don't want it to end this way either, but part of me thinks it is possible given the story we've gotten so far (though it is extreme). I'm very happy you still see Sam within this screwed up mess of his brain. What's ironic to me? Is that Dean loves him so much, and fears Sam's destiny so much, and yet the things that have happened to Dean because of how he loves Sam can beat Sam down and ruin what he IS. (A little convoluted, that. But.)

I really don't want the show to end like this. I really really really don't. But having said that this has a stark black beauty to it that is undeniable.

I like that. "Stark black beauty." :) Thank you. Honestly, this ending would break me for the show. Part of me would like to see it, but I'd want a do-over, you bet.

Wow - the ending is really powerful. Great job!

LJ didn't let me know you'd commented on my story - I just saw it. Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it:)

Icon says it all.

I have no words

aw, thank you.

Dean’s face broke open and he screamed Sam’s name over and over, grief so loud the rest of the world was rendered mute.

Good Lord, this is beautiful. Wow... just wow.

What a wonderful thing to say. Thank you:)

wow. I just...wow. I love this. It's so sad, yet it makes a lot of sense. I could honestly see it going down like this. It would be a good ending, even though it made me cry.

I thought both the idea of the last straw for Dean being Sam's pyrokinesis, and for Sam going down by fire was appropriate - fire is where it all started for Sam and Dean. But really, I'm a huge wimp and I would die if it *really* ended this way.

Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate what you said.

this fic has a beautiful circularity to it, and it's almost calming even as it's terribly chilling.
I love this line: "They fucked, one as dead as the other and surely there was some humor to be had in that"... because, no, actually, it's not funny, like, AT ALL. just very sad.

Thanks for pointing me over here :)

Congratulations! You've been rec'd at

spn_littlebro

(http://spn-littlebro.livejournal.com/4308.html?thread=184020#t184020)

Very good story. Very hard to read.

thanks, I'm glad you thought it was good:)

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